My pre-baptized thoughts on Baptism.

On June 11, 2017, I am going to be baptized.

This is something I've been prolonging, mainly out of fear, but also out of a lack of knowledge. When I joined my Evangelical church in late 2015, I didn't know what a baptism is really for, considering that I (like many people) was baptized as a baby. Essentially, I didn't think I needed to be baptized again. When I learned that its something I need to eventually do, I didn't really want to do it.

I seriously struggle with commitment. I've always imagined baptism as this big, spiritually-defining moment where your life suddenly comes together, you stop straying from The Lord and become an UltraChristian. That's something I'm just not capable of at this time. I never have been able to snap my fingers and instantly own a perfect faith. Its something that I've exercised a lot of self-punishment over. But slowly I am starting to learn this is the way faith works for every Christian. No one is the perfect believer. They aren't supposed to be.

Now that being said, I'm still fairly convinced that some people around me have cracked the Christian Code and live a perfect life. I know it's just me being too stuck in my ways, looking out my own glasses instead of looking through theirs. No one has everything figured out. I don't know why I keep trying to be the only person without any flaws, but that's who I strive to be. It kind of sucks.

Despite knowing what I know about baptism and the nature of other people, I am terrified to get baptized. I know I keep saying this, and that's its becoming a running theme through these blog posts--but I DON'T WANT TO MESS THIS UP!

My issues with commitment have lead me to sit Jesus on the side more times than I want to admit. He's been a benchwarmer in my life more times than He's been allowed on the court.

My boyfriend explains that baptism is like a marriage, where you become One with Christ.

Well what's going to happen when my problems push Him aside again? Not because He moves off of the court, but because I don't let Him play?

You know, there's so many Christian worship songs about that moment in the singer's life where they accepted Christ into their hearts. I don't know if I've ever had that moment. If anything, He's always kind of been there in mine, or He crept in slowly--i really don't know. My life has been a series of recommitting myself to Christ, only to again act like He's irrelevant. Sure, there were long stretches in between where I grew in my faith after seeking Jesus again--but I've always spoiled the relationship enough to drive us back to the early squares of the game board.

I am basically the card in board games that says "move back ten steps."

After I get baptized, can I really have any more moments where I say "this is it, time to make it all about You, Lord," ???

Maybe I can, I don't know.

Maybe after I get baptized, The Spirit will move through me enough to commit me for life.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be getting baptized right now.

Maybe these questions/worries mean I'm in the perfect place to get baptized.

Maybe I don't need to be putting so much pressure on myself. I'm allowed as many re-tries as I need because God is forgiving and seeks my heart, not my greatness. The only way to give Jesus everything is to publicly declare my belief in Him.

The way I understand it (having not yet begun my baptism classes), Baptism is necessary to solidify my faith in/relationship with Jesus. Its a step that's going to make me grow in my faith, which is something I desperately want. I want it because I don't like feeling far from God. I also--selfishly--want to grow so that I can feel equal to the people around me. Comparing myself to others is obviously something else I need to work on.

Insecurities, y'all, they're just grand, aren't they?

I'm excited to have the opportunity to grow closer to Jesus. But I also know that this isn't going to come easy. It hasn't come easy. It's been awful. I came back to Christ through some pretty terrible experiences. I've been tested and attacked by the enemy. All Christians have, I am sure.

Right now, things are good. In the days leading up to my baptism, things are pretty great actually. This can mean only one thing. All hell is about to break loose after June 11th. And I am scared.

The enemy is going easy on me right now, making me feel confident in myself. This way, when everything comes crashing down: when I doubt God's existence, God's love, God's acceptance, I doubt my ability, my talents, my friendships, when I start hating certain people again, when I feel depressed and unmotivated, and TEMPTED (oh man)----I'm going to be asking myself "why didn't you feel this way before?" and I'm going to feel GUILTY!

I'm so easily tripped up in comparison, I'm going to be comparing myself to myself & feeling horrible.

I'm writing this down so I can refer to this post afterwards and try to convince myself that any struggles I'm caught in--that they're the work of the enemy & his consistently successful mind games.

All I can do in a few weeks is cling to Jesus. That's the point, isn't it? That's the point for all of us?

I may blog about my baptism experience, so I don't forget all the emotions coursing through me that day. Despite everything I've said, I am really excited to come closer to Jesus.

By the way, I'm absolutely going to be balling my eyes out right before I'm dunked in the water. I could cry right now just thinking about it.

Thank you for reading this post.

If you're going through a similar situation, I understand & I sympathize. I hope that wherever you are, whenever you are, that my words & my experience can help you somehow.

Keep dreaming,

Brooke Cheyenne xx